Unspeakable

Here is a short story I wrote for a creative writing class.  Leave me some feedback! 

Unspeakable

I was just seventeen years old, too dependent to tie my own shoes, when I met the prettiest girl I had ever seen.  Rachelle Parks walked into my Newspaper class in my senior year at high school.  She scanned the classroom from left to right before making a b-line to the chair next to me.  I was hypnotized by her blue-green eyes.  As she sat down, a pleasant scent wafted toward me and I realized that it was her hair.  Even after being out in the August heat, it still smelled like shampoo.  I noticed a bead of sweat running from her jaw line down into her shirt and, for a moment, I believed my heart had stopped.  She saw me looking at her and broke the awkwardness by making small talk. 

I had not been much of a ladies’ man at that age.  Rachelle later told me that was one reason she liked me.  She sat next to me in class every day and was nearly always the first one to start a conversation.  She would ask what my plans were for the weekend and I would answer in short while my hands were shaking.  She would compliment my outfit (that my mom had laid out for me) and I would attempt to return the sentiment with stutters and stumbles.  Although I rarely knew what to say, she did not care.  One afternoon at the end of class, she asked me to come to her house to help her with Newspaper homework.  She said that she was having a hard time with how to end the article that she was writing.  My heart nearly stopped when she grabbed my hand and started to scribble something on the back of it.  I cringed a little when she scraped over my large veins with the pen, but it was well worth it.  As the bell rang for school to let out, I glanced at my hand casually and saw a street address (which I assumed was hers and not a fake) and noticed a little heart right next to it.  She had drawn a heart on my hand and I vowed to never wash it again.  This vow obviously lasted only a few hours, but it still made me light-headed to think of it.  But this was before everything changed.  It was before the crash.

I raced across the parking lot and into the main street on my bicycle as cars honked and tires squealed.  My hearing had suddenly been impaired and the tune “Everyday” by Buddy Holly filled my head.  I couldn’t speak even if I had tried.  I continued through the neighborhood toward my house so I could tell my parents where I was going.  My mom was ecstatic and basically pushed me out of the door to go to Rachelle’s house.  It took less than ten minutes to arrive at the address on my hand because it was near home and I memorized all of the street names.  As I dropped my bike on the lawn and began walking to the door, she had already opened it and stood in the doorway.

“That was quick, Andrew!  You almost beat me here,” Rachelle said with a smirk.  “My parents aren’t home yet so we’ll have plenty of time alone.”

At this, my heart had finally stopped after all of the false alarms.  I didn’t fall to the ground in pain as I expected but followed her into the house, almost floating, as my backpack slipped off my shoulders slightly.  I had been duped.  She tricked me into tonsil hockey on her couch for nearly twenty minutes instead of doing homework.  As we heard a key slide into her front door’s lock, she jumped off of me and we got to work.  I knew that I met the girl of my dreams and that we would be together forever.  But that was before the crash.

Just three weeks ago Rachelle and I went on a double date with Justine, a friend of hers, and her boyfriend Nicholas.  I hated doubling because I always felt the need to compete with the other guy.  Rachelle tried convincing me that I would really like Nicholas but she guessed wrong.  We were going to meet them at a bar downtown that was normally filled with trashy women and dirtbag men.  I thought that was a great illustration of his character.  The date felt awkwardly unbalanced because he and Justine had only started dating two or three months prior; Rachelle and I had been together for four years.  What would we talk about?  They were still in that lovey-dovey stage, climbing all over each other and gagging each other with their tongues in public.  Don’t get me wrong, Rachelle and I kissed on dates and I held her hand as we walked to the car.  Most of the time I would remember to open the car door for her.  There was a big difference between that and their animal-style smooching.

I knew that it would be a long night so I started drinking as soon as we got there.  I had finished my beer before our onion rings and French fries had arrived at our small table where the four of us were crammed.  When the waitress laid them on our table our eyes met and she knew right away that I was about to ask for another beer, so she took my glass.

“So Andy, are you a Lakers or a Clippers fan?” Nicholas asked me.  Andy?  Did we know each other well enough for nicknames already?

“I don’t follow sports, Nick.”  Obviously I’m a Lakers fan; I just didn’t want to have useless bro-talks about players’ statistics, or even worse: risk the chance that he was a Clippers fan.  An argument about basketball was the least of my priorities.

“I’m a Clippers fan myself.  I always like to root for the underdogs.  I don’t like to jump on the bandwagon, you know?”  I was correct.  Good call, Andrew.

“I know what you mean.  Where in the world is my burger?”

*  *  *

As I lay in the bright incubation-like room, I see the door open.  My vision is blurry but I can tell that it was Justine by the way that she carried herself.  She had a little bit of a hump on her back because of having scoliosis as a kid.  In her hand was a bouquet of flowers. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her walking next to my bed and replacing the dead flowers in the vase on my side table with the fresh ones.  I tried to turn my head to see her better, but I couldn’t.  She scooted a chair close to my bed and rubbed my hand, the hand that had once been covered in ink with an address and a heart.

“Nick has tried to visit you.  I’m not sure if you know this, but he is beating himself up daily because of what happened.  He wants to apologize but he says he’s not sure you can hear him.  I know that you hear me though.”  Justine’s voice began to tighten and tears ran down her cheeks. “You know she was my best friend too.  Rachelle meant the world to me.” My eyes followed her as she walked out of the room, into the busy hallway of the Urgent Care wing.  I wanted to yell her name so she could turn around and hug me, but I couldn’t.

*  *  *

I started to feel a little tipsy on the night of our double date.  I loosened up after having a couple of beers while Nicholas bragged about his grades in college and his success at work.  I let him finish talking and responded with a raspberry sound.  He wiped a little spittle off of his nose with the back of his hand.

“Nicholas, I don’t think the girls really care about how much money you make.  I know you are just tryin’ to impress ‘em.”  Beer made me brave.  I proceeded to complain as the group’s tolerance for me plummeted.

“Andrew, maybe you’ve had enough to drink,” Rachelle responded.  “Let’s get you home.”

“Yeah, man.  I don’t want you on the road, Andy.  And Rachelle, you look too tired.  I’ll drive you guys to my place and you can crash there.”  Nicholas was now pretending to be a gentleman, but I’m sure the girls saw right through that.

“Thanks so much.  That sounds great,” said Rachelle.  Nick paid for the drinks and food and left a decent tip.  We left to go to his house.

Rachelle and I climbed into the back seat and I tried to kiss her just like the way Justine and Nick were kissing but she pushed me away.  I could tell that she didn’t like me drunk.  I only wish I hadn’t been that night.  Things would be different than they are now.  I tried to lay my head on Rachelle’s shoulder but she leaned away.

The road that we were on seemed as if it stretched for hundreds of miles.  Nick lived further from the city than I expected.  The roads seemed to get less crowded which made them far darker.  I was complaining to myself about how much of a jerk Nick was, and how Justine has bad taste in guys, and I even got mad at Rachelle for not comforting me.  In fact, she was sound asleep, leaning against the window.  When I looked to the front of the car, I noticed that Justine was asleep in the same position.

“Why do you have to be that way?” I decided to ask Nick, since we were basically alone.  He looked in the rearview mirror with angry eyes.  My mouth started running like a motor.  I don’t remember everything that I said, but I’m pretty sure I was vulgar to the point of hate.  I was all piss and vinegar.

“Hey, I don’t know what I did to you tonight that made you hate me, but can you drop it?  I’m doing you and Rachelle a favor by driving you to my house.  You are drunk, man.  Let’s just talk it over in the morning.”

Just moments after he finished talking, I saw a man walking on the shoulder of the highway.  He lost sense of direction and walked onto the road.  Everything happened so fast.  I yelled to warn Nick but he couldn’t react in time.  He slammed on the brake pedal and turned his wheel as far as he could to avoid hitting the stray man.  At this, both of the girls woke up.  Justine screamed and Rachelle quickly grabbed onto my arm in silence.  We screeched off the road and into a tree.  Rachelle bolted head first toward the windshield and I heard a crash.  Her leg hit my neck and my head fell toward the driver’s seat.  I blacked out.

When I woke in the hospital room days later, strangers, or maybe doctors, explained to me what had happened.  Rachelle was not wearing a seatbelt and was found D.O.A.  Justine cracked some ribs from her seatbelt and broke her nose from the airbag.  Nick escaped with a mild concussion.  I wondered when I would wake.  It had to be a nightmare.

*  *  *

As I see Justine leaving my room, into the busy hallway of the Urgent Care wing, my eyes welled up.  I know that I should forgive him.  I know it wasn’t his fault but it is hard to fully convince myself of it.  I have been in this bed for three weeks and they don’t expect me to leave by walking out.  These three weeks have been a blur of doctors and nurses, my family staying the night in my room with me and Justine replacing my flowers.  Nick has come in a couple of times but my parents don’t want him to see me.  They thought I wouldn’t want him with me.  One day they weren’t there at all, so he took advantage of it.

“Andy, I can’t even begin…I just…” His eyes began to pour and he couldn’t control his breathing.  “Sorry…I wish…” He cut off.

It’s not your fault.  I thought.  If I had never gotten drunk, it would be different.  I shouldn’t have treated you that way.

“You know I would change everything if I could.  I know you hate me…”

I don’t hate you.  I couldn’t compare to you.  I’m insecure.

“All I want is your forgiveness…”

I forgive you…

“…but I know I will never have it.”

…if only I could tell you.

Nick walked out of the room.  I stared at the same spot on the wall across from me that I had been for three weeks.